Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Growing up- a challenge to let go

I think there needs to be a manual about how to become a grown up. Or better yet, a class. One with homework and tutorials and instructional videos.

Because I am utterly lost. I guess I assumed once I got married it would all click. Magically, I'd know exactly what to do with my life, where I wanted to be in 10 years, my future career, and I would love doing the dishes. I dreamed of Husband coming home to me proclaiming, "I just got offered 15 jobs that I didn't even apply for! And look, clean dishes and a completely unpacked apartment! Yay for growing up!" Yeah...not so much.

Instead he comes home to me saying, "Well, I applied for jobs, again. I haven't heard back from anyone. I went out to visit places but no one's hiring. Still not sure what I want to do with my life yet. But I unloaded the dishwasher! Oh yeah, and I ate some chocolate chips. Yayyyy?" I feel useless, directionless, lost.

If you would've told me that I'd feel this way during high school, I'd laugh in your face. "Of course not!" I'd say, "I have a plan and God's going to help me." The problem? God's not a sidekick. He's the superhero. I spent practically my entire life planning and waiting, then re-planning when things didn't work out, then waiting, then more planning and...well, you get it. But I didn't.

What was I waiting on? A sign? A miracle? God to pop down and go to the Bux with me to share a Pumpkin Spice Latte (hey, He can indulge)? I'm still not sure, to be honest. But I know I was waiting for my life to start. Always, I thought "Okay, after this my life begins" or "Well, that wasn't planned but after this I'll definitely get the hang of things." And you know what? I haven't.

My whole life I've felt that I always had to have something planned. After high school was college. After college was marriage. After marriage was finding a career before having kids so that Husband and I wouldn't have the financial strain of school and kids. But now, it's after marriage and I've got nothing. And I think that's okay.

During the past few weeks while searching for jobs, I've let myself become enveloped by this feeling of confusion and failure. "How could you do this to yourself? To your marriage?" I was asking myself. And it wasn't until today that I acknowledged, it's okay.

It's okay to feel confused. It's okay to feel like you don't know what's coming next. But you know what it's not okay to feel? Alone. Because you're not. You are loved and cherished by God, the Creator. He's put passion and fire into your heart, acknowledge it. Does that mean He'll email you a map of how your life is supposed to go? Of course not. Does that mean we won't quit asking for exactly that? Nope. What it does mean is that He has made you for a purpose; He's got something in mind for just you. And me, too! Exciting, isn't it?

Because you know what? I'm going to embrace the fact that I'm lost. It's brought me back to who I was made to be...a child of God. And I'm going to search for myself with the innocence and wonder of a child. I'm going to giggle, cry, heck even eat a Popsicle when I'm mad. But I'm not going to stop searching and I pray you don't, either. He's made us for something, something BIG. We've just got to stop waiting, and go for it. 

So here's what I'm going to do: I'm going to forget everything I've been taught about being a grown up. I'm going to ignore the fact that I "should" know what I want by now. I'm going to ignore what people say about how I "should" be acting. Because you know the only thing I "should" be doing? Fervently chasing after the One who made me, and you, and even Charlie Sheen, the kook that he is. I'm going to follow my passion, the one thing I know to be true about myself: I want to help people. I want to be able to pray over people. I want to be able to know beyond the shadow of a doubt that I did good in the world. I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror and know that through me, His will is being accomplished. I want to be living a life of passion. And, I want to acknowledge that these things take time and sweat and work, but I can do it. Why? Because I've got the Creator of the universe behind me. "BOOYA" doesn't even begin to describe my feelings.

So here's to a new life, starting today. What are you letting go of?


  1. Kayla, you are such a good writer! you have a gift! i TOTALLY understand where you are coming from... i feel lost all the time, but it is nice to know that I am in good company. i love you and i know one day you will look back on all of this and understand a little better why things happen in God's timing. I hope i do, too! praying for you!

  2. Good stuff. I have definitely been there. Well not the married thing but the feelings you describe especially in your last paragraph. I agree with Kaylee. You do have a gift.